In March of 2020 when all of this Coronavirus panic began, we were confused, anxious and scared of the unknown. At that time, we knew what a pandemic was, but we were so used to living without worry, almost in a bubble…this could never happen to us! Nothing could impede on our carefree (well, sort of) life. Not in this lifetime.
Thinking back, I was shocked, surprised and angry. My kids would question, “Mom, how could a virus start from someone eating a bat?” The only words I could come up with at the time were “I have no idea.” While I was a terrible science student, I trusted (and still do) scientists and doctors to fix it. Masks would become the new normal and we were confined to home. (Remember when masks were hard to find at first?) I was confident that within a few weeks, life would resume as normal. We would just have to suck it up for a bit. NO BIG DEAL!
Today, it is almost February 2021. Almost one year later. I am sitting on our overused couch with our puppy, who we brought home in May. I am not at work in the office, nor am I working from home. In July, I was laid off of work (like many, many others); I spent 7 long years at that company. My kids are in school today, masked up and concerned about catching the virus. I can see the worry in their eyes. They are in the building Mondays/Thursdays and are virtual learning from home the rest of the week. My husband is teaching everyday (loudly) from the room that once was my office, my private space, and where I spent 8+ hours a day in too many meetings. Now, he occupies that space while I sit in the living room by the fire, riddled with guilt and anxiety.
I was always curious what it would be like to “not work.” I envied my SAHM friends and was extremely jealous of all of the free time that they were blessed with. Oh, the things I would do with that time! Gym, tan, laundry…not exactly but you get what I am saying. I would live my best life, lunch with friends and be a happy, fit mom. THIS…THIS….this is not what I had in mind. Yes. I am a stay at home mom. More like a trapped at home mom. My wild daughter sits in the same room as me and I listen to her second grade Zoom class when she is learning from a small desk in the corner. It sometimes is entertaining, but I now realize why I never became a teacher. I constantly have to tell her to “sit still”, “be quiet”, “stop tapping,” and “put the hoverboard away.” Sometimes I just want to give up and let her do whatever she wants. At the same time, I want her to learn and be respectful. It’s tough. We have a small breed pup, and he follows me around all day, every day. I can’t leave the house to run errands because he will bother the kids and my husband and interrupt them with his obnoxious barking. We can’t really go anywhere, because he gets car sick. Cute? Yes. Annoying? Also yes.
Because of my health anxiety, I am terrified to go anywhere (besides groceries/Target) or take any chances. We sadly didn’t attend holiday gatherings, we didn’t go to birthday parties, the kids didn’t play sports or participate in indoor activities, etc. WE ARE HOME. And my kids hate me for it. They ask me “Why does Karen get to go on vacation?! How come Karen gets to see HER cousins all of the time?” It is never ending. I look at their faces and feel sad, guilty, mad and drained. They don’t understand. I don’t either. We are doing everything we are supposed to be doing, yet we are still stuck in the house, reliving the same day over and over. Luckily, we have become super close with our neighbors who have basically become a part of our quarantine bubble. They are on the same page as us when it comes to safety and honestly, I am not sure how we would have functioned without them.
The news has told us that new, more dangerous strains of the virus are now in the US. I read today that we should be wearing not one, but two masks. The vaccine situation is a mess, and very unorganized since the launch. I pray that we get it together, and we can all get vaccinated sooner rather than later. I want to stay positive and do see a light at the end of the tunnel, but how long will it take to get there? For the last year, we keep saying it will be over soon…we are almost there. But when? How long can we continue living like this? We have no choice, I know. My SAHM dream came true but in a twisted, absurd way. Once I start working again, will I look back at this time and say “Why didn’t I take advantage of the time I had off?” I hope not. I feel guilty that I am not working, guilty that I am not doing more with my time, but for what? I wish I could just accept the role that I am in right now and be thankful that we have all stayed healthy so far. Perhaps one day I will be at peace with my situation. As a friend recently said, “this too shall pass.”
For now, I will sit on the couch, with my quarantine pup. I will watch CNN, pray for a vaccine miracle, wait for the kids to get home and learn my new hobby: knitting. If anything comes out of this, it will be a scarf or two (if I get that far…my patience is not the best).
I’m here for this!! Every word resonates. I’ve found myself in similar thought loops, fear/guilt/shame spirals as well as the occasional pitty party that turns into a full on ugly shower cry. Stop reading here if you’re not interested in getting out of the trap 🪤
All that being said, I didn’t put my life on hold for this virus to play out. I find it hard to believe that a woman with your influence and reach will only come out of this experience with a quarantine pup and maybe a scarf or two!
It’s so easy to look to the news and social media to tell us what and how the think and feel. It’s easy to look at everything we can’t do, where we can’t go, what we can’t experience. Interestingly enough, its just as easy to look at everything that has happened, how you’re navigating it all and how you want your life to be.
You can decide to take advantage of the the time you have now. You get to choose what being at peace looks and feels like. You get to decide that you’re not going to give a virus – a microscopic parasite that lacks the intelligence and the capacity to thrive and reproduce outside of a host body- the final say in what you think, feel and do in your life.
We always want to change the circumstances but the circumstances are only there to show us our thoughts. When covid’s over, when I go back to work, when I lose 10 pounds, and on and on.
I help busy boss moms stop waiting for ‘one day’ and start truly living their best life. If your open to a conversation, I’d love to connect on this one topic further. There’s so much here that can bring encouragement, compassion and inspiration to cool moms everywhere!!
If you need help with the knitting PM me 🙂 Coach P